Bullied at work? Avoid making these common mistakes

On Tuesday I was interviewed by a journalist who asked me to identify the most common mistakes made by people who are experiencing workplace bullying.  I’d like to elaborate on my answer, because I think her question is an important one. We may not be able to prevent or stop all workplace bullying, but we can arm ourselves with information and accumulated wisdom if we need to respond to it.

If you or someone you care about are dealing with bullying at work, these are among the mistakes to avoid:

1. Self-blame — While some degree of healthy self-reflection can make us more effective at work and in life generally, too many targets blame themselves for what is happening. They repeatedly try to placate bullies who will not be placated.

2. Waiting too long — I can’t tell you how many times over the years targets have told me they hoped the situation would go away or improve, until it was too late, with a job loss and/or deteriorating health often a consequence. It’s no fun to be treated abusively at work, but delaying acknowledgment of it can be even more detrimental to your livelihood and health.

3. Relying solely upon in-house “assistance” — Those who depend on the HR office to make things right may later regret it. Especially when the bully is a manager and bullying behaviors are common in a given workplace, HR often sides with the boss. Likewise, employee assistance offices are not going to represent a target against an alleged bully; that’s not their role. At best they may offer some coaching and coping assistance.

4. Not keeping records — Maintain a chronology of everything that happens. Save e-mails, notes, and any other physical evidence — but do not take anything that’s not yours. Although legal protections against workplace bullying are inadequate on the whole, you may have the makings of a legal claim. If nothing else, you’ll have a record to present to your employer.

5. Acting impulsively — Being bullied at work sometimes can lead people to act impulsively, saying or doing things they’d like to take back. It’s a natural reaction, but try to avoid it. If you cannot resist, it’s possible that your bully will point the finger at you for being mean and abrasive!

A better approach

Instead, do your homework, reach out for help, strategize, and act smartly.

As a start, learn about workplace bullying. Only after assessing options and risks should someone act. Books such as Gary & Ruth Namie’s The Bully at Work and Robert Sutton’s The No Asshole Rule are loaded with insights. In serious cases, advice and input from therapists, personal coaches, and lawyers may be helpful and perhaps necessary.

There’s a lot of cheap and sometimes dangerous “one size fits all” advice out there on how to handle workplace bullying situations, especially in newspaper work advice columns. These resources are no substitute for understanding the dynamics of workplace bullying and how they relate to one’s specific circumstances.

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After being bullied at work, what next? (Questions for bullying targets)

“HR was useless” (Explaining HR’s role and limitations)