This suggestion is popping up with increasingly frequency in well-meaning advice columns about bullying at work: Make your concerns known by confronting your workplace bully.
Recently I praised British journalist Jackie Ashley for calling upon us to stand up to the bullies in our society. But I should’ve been more specific. In agreeing with her, I meant that we should be standing up against bullying behaviors as a community.
That’s different than telling a target to confront her abuser individually and await the consequences.
Questionable advice
Nevertheless, career advice columns that address workplace bullying often urge targets to do just that.
Minneapolis business author Harvey Mackay suggested this option in a syndicated piece that ran in newspapers across the country (link here):
Speak up to the harasser. Your first step should be to tell the person that his or her behavior, comments or requests aren’t welcome. In some cases, the matter may end there. But don’t hesitate to inform management if you can’t comfortably confront the other person on your own.
Risks of direct confrontation
If there is one suggestion that causes me to question the wisdom behind one-size-fits-all advice columns on workplace bullying, this is it.
When objectionable behavior involves milder forms of incivility or disrespect, tactfully and directly speaking up may prove to be an effective way to address it. But targeted, malicious bullying is different; it’s a form of abuse. In any situation involving genuine abuse, face-to-face confrontation is fraught with risks. Here’s why:
First, if there’s no third party to observe the conversation, it’s the target’s word against the bully’s as to what transpired in that interaction. The bully could even attempt to turn the tables, suggesting that he was the actual “victim” of the encounter.
Second, targets of abuse usually (and understandably) are not in the best frame of mind when dealing directly with their abuser. People in these circumstances are more likely to say or do something they later regret.
Third, when bullying is covert or indirect, it’s doubly hard to confront the tormenter, who often will deny there’s any such behavior going on and may even act like she was wrongfully accused.
Fourth, even if one does not wish to confront the bully alone, the question of which third party to enlist can be a vexing one, because frequently the bully is a member of management and/or has friends at that level.
Finally, and most importantly, we know that many bullying targets have tried this approach with disastrous results. Over the years, I have spoken to scores of people who have paid a price for thinking that they could work it out with their tormenter(s).
Evaluate each situation individually
People are different. Bullying situations are different. Stock advice columns about dealing with workplace bullying can be dangerous in that they offer suggestions that may be effective in some situations, while backfiring horribly in others.
As I wrote in a post here last month, there is no substitute for doing your homework in planning a course of action. Keeping a cool head in these situations is very difficult. People who believe they are targets of bullying will benefit from learning and understanding before acting.
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For more about dealing with workplace bullying situations, please go to the Need Help page of this blog, here.
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Correction: I had erroneously summarized a column by Tia Benjamin (link here) as recommending that a target directly confront a bully. She contacted me and kindly explained that her recommendations are for organizations, not individual bullying targets. My apologies to Tia and thanks for pointing out my mistake.
Thanks for the post.
When I finally stood up to the bully, all I got was “Too bad!” He knew the dumb boss would not do anything to him.
I wish I had my copy of Gavin de Becker’s Gift of Fear at hand, because I could quote a great passage relevant to this. If I recall correctly, either he or one of the police officers he knows who deals with domestic violence kept a sign near the desk. I can’t remember the exact wording of the sign, but the gist of it was that if you’re in a violent situation, securing your safety was more important than securing justice.
If you’re being bullied, you deserve both, but know which one’s more important to you and yours, and act accordingly.
When it comes to work place bullying one size fit all is very dangerous, I would never confront a bully alone. Always have witness or contact them by email, I find them to be liar and have no ethical or consideration for others. They’re very little laws to protect the victim from the bully, so protect yourself as best as you can.
Amen to that!!! I agree, and you are 100% correct as I have experienced this myself to be true. A person, in particular a “target” who behaves as an adult can not and should not expect the “bully” to be receptive as an adult by confronting him/her – especially alone. A bully does not behave in an adult-like manner and therefore can not be reasoned with as such.
What you say is so appropriate. There is always a power imbalance between the bully and the target It is much more appropriate to have witnesses, to document on email, and I encourage everyone to remember their safety first (both psychological and physical) and then justice. You may not get the justice.
It’s important to confront the bully in a tactful documentable way to show good faith when starting the process to get relief. In fact, I would question the motives of someone who makes no attempt to solve a problem at its source but instead goes running to managment or HR. This is a game wolves-in-sheep’s clothing bullies play to hijack their targets.
From my experience, a passive aggressive co-worker refused to communicate with me so I would be “surprised” later when confronted by management with her complaints. These complaints were exaggerated and fabricated. She even filed a bogus complaint with HR trying to accuse me of harrassment. After she admitted never telling me directly about these issues and there being no evidence of wrong doing, HR threw out her complaint. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop her from continuing the sneak attacks because agency management condoned hostile behavior.
I did confront the PA bully when this first started happening. I asked why couldn’t she tell me what’s bothering her as it is disrespectful to go over my head about things I know nothing about. She glared and said she “didn’t know what I was talking about”. Another bully at this organization verbally accosted me on several occassions. Finally I’d had enough and told her I don’t appreciate the way she speaks to me. She demanded examples of what I was talking about, which I provided, and then answered that I “deserve to be spoken to that way”.
Do I regret confronting the bullies? No, I know I did the right thing despite their reactions. Did the bullying stop just because I spoke up to them? No, but true bullies won’t stop without outside intervention. The target increases their credibility with those outside sources by demonstrating that they tried to resolve the matter interpersonally. Targets should document these difficult conversations and better yet, obtain witness statements or confront via e-mail to head off bully claims of ignorance.
I wouldn’t confront the bully. However, I would execute what I call “exposucate” the workplace terrorist. What is exposucate?? It’s my pet term that’s a combination of exposure and educate. ;0) The main purpose of my sites and blogs is to educate and make job applicants and employees aware of the need to learn Basc Employee Rights BEFORE seeking and ACCEPTING employment!
When a career seeker takes the time to educate him/herself to workplace issues such as a bullying they become armed with knowledge and wisdom to most effectively protect their rights from being violated. For example, Wanda wisdom learns all about workplace bully, sexual harassment, discrimination and how to prove discrimination BEFORE accepting a administrative assistant position with We Intimidate, Inc.
Three months in after the “honeymoon” is over, We Intimidate unleashes it’s bullying and harassment onslaught on Ms. Wisdom. Since Ms. Wisdom knows her employee rights she uses techniques in proving discrimination and harassment such as documenting events, asking the appropriate questions concerning the bullies behavior when a witness or witnesses are around and documenting all relevant correspondence with the bully.
She will Know how to cautiously interact with HR and any internal EEO officer, understanding these departments are NOT her friend. She will have advance knowledge of bully characteristics. She will understand what “mobbing” is all about from co-workers who engage in “workplace conspiracy” with the bully.
She will know the questions and documentation to ask and memorialize about the bully and potential witnesses designed to strengthen her potential claim with the EEOC. Thus she EXPOSES the bully by her own “pre EEOC” investigation and she’s shown great wisdom to EDUCATE and arm herself with critical knowledge that unfortunately most career seekers and employees “still don’t get”.
Most employers count on employees been ignorant of their workplace rights. As long as those entering the workplace remain largely misinformed or uniformed, problems such as bullying will continue.
Having essentially followed this approach, I can attest that it does not necessarily “work”. I was still forced to resign out of concern for my health, but I can assure myself time and time again that I did what I could, I tried my best, and there was nothing more I could do. I may have lost my job, career, and income, but I have nothing to regret on that front.
I behaved as well as anyone could under the circumstances. Workplace bullying is not a problem that an individual can solve in most cases.
I have to agree with Kachina in that even the best documentation does not guarantee that a workplace bully will be dealt with effectively in the near term or even ever. I am proud of having stood up to my workplace bully in state government even if I did not achieve the immediate result that I was seeking and that should have occurred under all ethical and legal standards in place. Since then, additional targets have suffered as a result, and the bullying and incompetence continues at an alarming rate. If I did not stand up for myself and try to change things, I would still wonder, “What if?” I am also proud of the written evidence of workplace harassment that the bully provided for me when I told him point blank to, “Bring it on!” He even documented my saying those words to him, and I also had a witness from human resources present when I finally had enough and told him so! I am confident that one day, as more targets of workplace bullying step forward, the full details of my experience will play a role in eradicating this behavior from all workplaces. In the meantime, I highly suggest that those being targeted by bullies in the workplace should strongly consider laying the groundwork to be your own boss. It is your competence and integrity that are threatening to the bullies you are reporting to now. We need more of you to become bosses, run your companies well, and treat your own employees the right way!
I couldn’t agree more David.
Confronting the person who has used bullying behaviours is often included in organisational policy, but it can often place people at further risk of harm, rather than resolving the problem.
It’s all about safety and well-being, and we need to start treating this problem from that frame.
I believe that the future of medicine is in the power of brain scans to show the damage to the brain. Yes, psychiatric injury is a much better term to reduce the stigma. However, I do believe the damage is physiological as well and we will soon see the ability to show medical evidence in the brain scans, and other tests as well.
Thank you, everyone, for these comments. The pointed stance I took seems to dovetail with the experiences of many who have dealt with bullying situations. I wish I was wrong — that dozens of people would’ve disagreed and shared stories of successful approaches and confrontations. But sadly that does not appear to be the case.
Well, hopefully this post will help others in the same situation reach informed decisions about how to proceed. I wish we had better answers.
I completely agree, and I’m so encouraged to read this post. Confronting a bully can escalate the conflict to mobbing, which is far more severe and damaging. Moreover, many workplace conflicts pass, especially if we don’t fuel them with our emotions. I know this is far easier said than done, but there is wisdom in letting some storms pass. Given time, you’ll know if it is a passing storm or time to change jobs, but in either case, a confrontation can make it far, far worse.