On forgiving yourself for dropping the ball

(image courtesy of clipart-library.com)

Have you ever dropped the ball on a work-related project? I have, and it feels awful, even when I’ve had an understandable reason — usually related to being overcommitted and swamped. At times, the workload has been self-inflicted, the product of taking on too much or not being able to say no.

Typically, dropping the ball means that we’ve let others down by failing to do our piece of a project or delivering an inferior work contribution, due to lack of sufficient time or attention. Folks who have a tendency to overcommit or who may not be the best self-managers can be especially susceptible to dropping the ball. This includes people who have a strong sense of responsibility.

So what should we do when we drop the ball? I’ve given this some thought and come up with the following advice, while fully confessing that I haven’t necessarily practiced these points to perfection:

  • If you’re mortified and/or feeling guilty about dropping the ball, that’s good. It shows you have a conscience. Not everyone has that capacity.
  • In many instances, a sincere, honest apology is appropriate. It shows respect for the folks you’re working with or for, and it may well make you feel better and relieved.
  • If there are significant negative consequences — including practical, legal, or contractual ones — then owning up to the situation promptly is the best thing. It also may be possible to fix the situation.
  • Reflect upon how it happened and how to avoid similar problems in the future.

Above all, forgive yourself. Hold yourself responsible for your miscue and try to do better, but don’t let it be the bane of your existence.

Similarly, if someone drops the ball on you, try to be forgiving, especially if they apologize and explain what happened. After all, they probably feel bad and embarrassed on their end.

Of course, if you or someone else is dropping the ball all the time, then there’s probably a deeper or more systemic problem.

Ultimately, being responsible is a good thing, and so is cutting some slack for ourselves and others now and then.

Gaslighting exists, and it’s horrible, so we should invoke the term carefully

(Drawing copyright Aaron Maeda)

In her excellent book, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, (2018 pb ed. with rev. intro), Dr. Robin Stern defines gaslighting as:

a type of emotional manipulation in which a gaslighter tries to convince you that you’re misremembering, misunderstanding, or misinterpreting your own behavior or motivations, thus creating doubt in your mind that leaves you vulnerable and confused. Gaslighters might be men or women, spouses or lovers, bosses or colleagues, parents or siblings, but what they all have in common is their ability to make you question your own perceptions of reality.

From this apt definition, we can tease out two major elements of gaslighting:

First, it is intentional and targeted toward a specific individual or group. It is not accidental or inadvertent. (After all, I cannot imagine a sincere apology along the lines of oh, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to gaslight you.)

Second, it is emotionally manipulative, designed to disorient and even frighten those on the receiving end. It’s about messing with someone’s perceptions of reality.

In short, gaslighting is a tool for taking, preserving, or abusing power. At work, it may be a component of workplace bullying and mobbing, sexual harassment, anti-union campaigns, or seemingly bizarre management pronouncements. I am glad that we have a term that captures such targeted, disorienting behaviors.

That said, there’s always the risk that the term can be overused.

In earlier posts, I predicted that now that gaslighting is becoming a more mainstream entry in our vocabulary of interpersonal abuse, it is inevitable that it will be misused or confused with other behaviors at times. I believe this is now coming true. Over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed gaslighting being invoked in situations where the apparent factual circumstances did not justify its use.

Borrowing from an earlier post, gaslighting is sometimes confused with:

  • an honest disagreement, even an intense or heated one;
  • an argument that includes misunderstandings, sometimes on both ends;
  • someone being obstinate or stubborn;
  • erroneous, even confusing, directives and instructions;
  • one side or multiple sides talking past, over, or through each other;
  • “white lies” meant to mask a more painful or difficult truth;
  • instances of incivility; or,
  • an incoherent explanation.

Indeed, I recently found myself characterizing a description of someone’s behavior as gaslighting, until I had to acknowledge that their actions didn’t reach that level. I believe that using the term gaslighting has become a, well, cool way of demonstrating that we’re in the know about the lingo of emotional manipulation. It then can be used as a sharp, negative, blanket label to characterize someone else’s objectionable statements or actions, even when they don’t quite fit the definition.

Especially in situations where negative emotions escalate, it can be tempting to slap a tag of gaslighting on communications (in person, on paper, or online) that become heated. However, if we are to save the use of this term for the specific, nasty tool of mistreatment that it is, then we should not hurl it across the room, so to speak, whenever angry disagreements occur. Unfortunately, there is enough real gaslighting going on to ensure many opportunities for its continued proper use.

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